To sin is to be an addict.

Some days I don't know what to do or think. I am generally a person of patience. But right now, I want answers in the drop of a hat. I fear that if I wait too long to act, everything will be messed up. I do not want to lose any of my new friends just because I waited too long to say something. Nor do I want to be alone because of my actions. I can't take it all in my hands. I need guidance. And right now, I am hearing nothing from up above. It's silence. I don't know, I may not be listening with all of my heart or that is just a sign to wait. Or that either way the reaction will be the same. I don't know. So right now I will go with whatever the wind takes me.

I currently do not want to be serious. But I can't help it. If I joke around about something I feel as if I am not taking in the entire matter. I feel as if something really wrong is happening and yet I am letting it slip right underneath me. I am frightened. That is for sure, I don't want to be blind and not see what is really occuring.

I am not blinded by love. Nor by hate. But by something else. My addiction to sin I suppose. I realize that I am not a good person but I try so earnestly to be. I want to be good, I want to live my life without regretting anything I did that day.

Like my friend, I want someone to look at me and think the word "Christian" and not "hypocrite." I want people to know that I love God and believe in Him.

Off to something else...

I have met someone that is just extremely awesome. He doesn't know it but he is. I think he is in denial or he just knows that he is and just doesn't want to sound conceited. But hey. . . .
Dude, if you read this (and I'm sure you will) I think you are just so cool. And no one (especially you) deserves to go through what you have gone through. You really ought to get out there in the world and meet some of the people who actually care about how your day went and all of that nonsense. The world isn't that bad. Trust me. Now, go my knight and shed your light!! (Ha ha, did you see that. I made a rhyme!!)

Most recently. . . .

I am finally over Evy. I know I have said this a thousand times before but I really do think I am over him. He was a sweet guy but we weren't mean to be.... We fought all of the time. We both cheated on each other numerous times, always with the option to say "no." Of course we had an honest relationship with each other but it did us no good. We would be honest then lie to each other. It was always one way or another. It was never consistent.
Then, of course, we would have our fights. The most pointless things ever, then we wouldn't talk at all for about a month or so. Waste of my time, my tears, everything.

True that I will always love him, that is, if I did love him. When he wasn't being mean he was always there for me. To be the shoulder to lean on. He was my best-friend.


But that was just an update about me and Evy since I was always ranting about him or whatnot.

[original end]

I am still miserable.

...I received the mirror I had made for him on Wednesday. I thought I was going to be able to handle the thoughts that would be going on in my head. So I opened the package that he never opened.... And saw the mirror with it's intricacies that I had designed on it. I just stared at it for a few minutes. Just staring blankly. Than at last I say "I hate you." I then broke the mirror, hurting myself in the process. So there was the mirror, shattered on the floor. I decided to see what a mirror would look like if I crushed it with my heels; apparently, very cool. So I crushed some of it underneath my heel and got very angry towards Evy. . . .

When I was done I decided to pick up the mess so no one would cut themselves. But when I was throwing away the pieces I just broke down. I couldn't stop crying. I cried for the longest time ever, I don't think I have ever cried that much. I suppose it is because I have finally come to the honest reality that I pushed Evy out of my life, and he is never coming back.

He was and is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I trusted him with my heart and soul but he betrayed that trust and I let him take advantage of it. I had many chances to be truly happy with someone else, but because of him I was always "distant." I caused me to lose some of my friends; some I cared for enormously. Being with Evy was stressful, very emotional, I would break down. My self esteem was dismal. I rejected happiness just to be miserable with him.

But now, that is over.

And I have learned that life still moves on, no matter what.
Things will always get better or worse. At first I thought that only things could get worse. But I have met some people who have changed my view. They have showed me that all of the pain is worth it. I mean some of them have waited for true bliss for a very long time but haven't given up.

I wish to be like that.

History

Ah yes history. Something we all want to be a part of. Don't deny it.

Everyone wants to go down in history for doing something, they want to have their name written in that one book that may one day be bought just for your name. Call it fame if you will, it doesn't matter. Fact is, we all want it at one point in life.

So why is it that some people want to end their record right now? You are making history right now. If you are struggling you look up to someone who overcame these struggles, why can't you live up to be the one who may inspire yet another person. Why not? If you feel so useless make yourself valuable. How can I say that? Why can't I? I see nothing wrong, all I want is a little effort to live.

Be happy with yourself. If your not happy with yourself, you will never be happy; no matter how much you lie to yourself.

I was thinking about many things when I was in the shower and history just popped up in my head. And I couldn't get over it. I hate reading that book. But the next time I read the pages I will see someone important on those pages; their struggles, their accomplishments, everything. Everything that makes them a person; like you and me. We are here, we are today, we will struggle; we may fall, but we won't give up. We will win. Yes, we will win, despite what everybody else may say. We are human just like them and we are just as willing to live.

So to all those who think that life is a waste of time, you're a waste of time. There are more important matters to deal with. I, personally, don't have time for someone who can't appreciate life. I have my moments of weakness but I'm not going suicidal am I?

History is our life. We are history, let's make it interesting. Inspire someone to live.

Trust.

I only trust one person in this entire world. I only love one person in this entire world, besides immediate family. No matter what, no matter how much I complain about him. His name is Evelio. I love him, no matter what.
I have only one earthly best friend. That is his name. He is everything to me. He's so adorable.
I have other friends that I can talk to and complain about things to, but he hears the exact same amount and so much more. He hears all of my feelings; he hears my true bliss, he hears my depression, everything.
He is so much more than I have to offer.
♥



-Squishy. (Dirty...)

Sigh.

So nothing. Nothing at all.

It's almost time for me to leave though. I can't wait. This should be very exciting. I've always wanted to go to Europe and now I get to. This will be fun...no matter what.

I've been wondering. Why do people want others to feel sorry for them? Plainly, why are people the way they are? I don't know. I get the whole wanting to feel "loved" or just being attention hungry. But why do you want that? Attention just plain out blows and being "loved" doesn't really work. I mean, seriously. I don't know. I just strongly dislike it when people try to make you feel bad for them.
I think that's why a lot of people don't get along with me. I'm not one to feel sorry. I do sometimes. But we all know how I am. And I'm always getting yelled at for not comforting the damn person. But it's not my job!! You should know you're life isn't going to end over something so "simple." Yeah I know that I complain. Especially about Evy and all that stuff. I know that I acted like the pain would never go away, but I didn't give up. And if I didn't get the sympathy I was longing for, I would just find something else to do; rather than complain.
It's hard to not mope around and feel sorry for yourself. But it's Way better than doing just that. If you do, you're not doing anything to help yourself.
And it bothers me how many people (mainly guys) complain about being single. Do you really need a chick that bad?? Why do people feel the need for companionship? It's retarded. I can see that we all get lonely and want to be loved. But um that's why you build your relationship with God or whomever you believe in. And if you don't believe in some type of creator...that's not my problem. Of course I should try to help with that issue (which also bothers me).
(This is just a writing that has no form. Everything I'm writing is just going from one place to another.)
I think having no belief in a creator is the worst thing ever. I remember I was like that. I didn't like the whole idea of an organized religion, a bible, yada yada yada.... You know what I mean. But you know, I see how retarded I was. I can't believe how I used to think. The way I used to think made sense yes, but it wasn't right. It's amazing how such thoughts creep into our mind. I want to explain how this all works, but I just don't know how. I'm not a preacher.....I'm bad at it... Have someone explain to you, and listen with a OPEN mind. A lot of people just cut down everything. But if you listen you'll see.... I'm sorry, I don't mean to cut any one down but I just can't help it. I'm in the mood for this.....
I can't believe I just wrote that....VERY bad.

Back to where I was....

I understand pain, I'm a human being. We all experience pain. And don't think you're the only one who is going through whatever you're going through. That mentality just sinks you to the bottom of the ocean. So if you want to give up then give up. Quit saying it and do nothing about it. I don't mean to support suicide...but really. If you can't see the wonders of this life then what can I do? I can't make you see. I can try to make you see, but it's up to you whether to see. That's what I hate SO much about free will. But that too is a blessing. So wonderful, I love it.

Well, I guess I should leave. Don't take any of this personal. Just my thoughts. It doesn't mean that it is directed towards you. If you thought that it was about you....you've got something going on in that head of yours....






-Take care. I love you all.

Confident.

Hm...
I hate (or strongly dislike) Evy, yet I still love him. I have to move on. So here I am. "Blogging" about it. I feel way better though. Now that I don't have to put up with his bull shit. I still try to figure out what I saw in him.... I guess I'll never know.
I have also just realized that I somehow attract jerks. The ones that seem all so sweet at first then... BAM! It all goes to Hell. I think I'm gonna quit for a long while. I don't care. I don't need affection to keep on living. I've gone so far without a lover. I can go on longer. Ha ha. So I'm glad. I'm feeling pretty "strong" right now. I know I can make it.
I have a lot of years still ahead of me. I'm eager to see what life has in for me. This is great.
I still have to finish High School and possibly college. That's what I have to worry about right now. Not some guy.
I have my friends. I have my faith. That's all I really need right now. Just some support from the people who care the most.
I'll be alright. I'll be okay.]




-All my love.

I love my foolish little heart....

I suppose I am a foolish little girl that sometimes knows better. And sometimes its otherwise. I love that guy. No matter what. I just can't help but be in love with him. I mean, how can I not. He completes me. I sometimes think that we can't make it. But somehow we are still in love. Call it crazy. Call it love. I don't care. I'm happy once again. Crying happy. It's amazing. I can't describe it. He's mine. I'm going to be selfish with him, I can't help it. I don't want to lose him. AT ALL. Of course I will let go of him when I feel it's time to really really let him go. But still, I haven't felt it. Closing out. I'm glad that I didn't give up entirely.



Determination is all it takes...and love. Not lust.

"To leave it all behind...."

"I figured out, I'm holding on too tight" Words sung by Adema.
Amazing song actually. I never really realized it. Like, I've always realized how amazing it was. But the lyrics are so "loud" now. Every time I listen to the song, it's like the first I've ever heard it all over again. It's different for sure.
It kind of helps me understand.


I believe this is a short entry. I would love to expand but I'm caught doing something else at the time.
I will elaborate some other time.

Peace of Mind.

So I guess things are better. In a bad yet good way. So I finally get it. I love you. Haha. Doing the right thing no matter of the consequence. I finally understand. It's quite simple now.

I am not worthless as someone said to me. So whatev. You won't hurt me again. I love you but we can't go on. And I still wonder.

We weren't supposed to be together.

So whatev.

I am seriously trying to move on with my life. And I'm finally getting somewhere. I have feelings for someone now and no one is getting in the way. Not even my past. I'm happy now. I'm not depressed. No one should make someone feel depressed and fell unwanted and like they don't mean shit.

So I guess I've done this to someone before. And I am truly sorry. I never meant to do that. It's terrible. Thank you for the forgiveness.

And to all my TRUE friends:

• I love you guys.
• You help me each and every day so that I can take one more breath and see life as a beautiful thing.
• You guys have taught me how to live life and that everything will be okay in the end.
• And for helping me through everything, some without even knowing it.
• Thank you forever.
• I'm at peace now.

Blame me

Don't you just hate it when you find out the truth??
I guess a lot of people do.
I absolutely wish the truth would die.

I wish I would die too...
But we never get what we want.
Or who we want.

I want him. I miss him. I fucked up. The realization just hit me. He'll never be mine. It's over and done with. Just friends?? It is just that? I can't live with it. I want more!!

I know this sounds like a poem or something but it's not. I'm just expressing everything in a poetic form.

Why?! Just tell me why?! Why do we as human beings fuck up so badly that it can't be repaired? Why do we ruin perfection?? That's all I've ever wanted and I screw it up. Are we not meant to be happy? It's sick! All of it!!

I want my Evy!!!!!! I'm sorry. I don't mean to be complaining about this to all of you. It's not like you know who I am talking about. But I just need some way of letting this all out. And since it just hit me I thought of just writing it. It's better than nothing. Right?? I hope so. Coz' if this doesn't help a little bit.... I'm going to die!! I'm terrible. Horrible!! Why was I given so many chances, it should've ended right at the beginning, I never wanted to be so attached!! NEVER!! But I am.

I don't want to love him. I don't want to need him, I don't know what to do. I've now become vulnerable!! I've never wanted this. But it's what I got. I just had to fall in love. It figures that I would. This wasn't supposed to happen for a while. It wasn't even supposed to happen. I wanted forever. I know I'm not supposed to be emotionally mature but I am! Of course right now isn't proof of it. But still!

I grew up too quick. I've always wanted to enjoy every moment of childhood. But I didn't get that either. Instead I got these two people who are supposed to serve as my parents.
But I don't have anyone to turn to. Just myself. I can try to fool myself but it's no use.

I want someone to talk to. I want to talk to him. I want it like old times. I hate this.... Here I am dwelling in the past. Wanting things that will never be again. But whatev. I've given up. I'm going to complain. I won't get me anywhere. Hell!! This probably won't even be read. No one cares really. So it's cool I guess.



-Whatev.

Semi-Simple

I don't know why I am soo mad today. It doesn't make sense. I mean what the heck?! It's stupid. And here I am bitching about it....
But whatev.
I don't get it.
I hate this all.
I don't like this place. But who ever does like it?? I mean Jessica Alba didn't even like Albuquerque!
Oh well.

It's retarded. I don't fit in anywhere. Not even with my friends. And aren't you supposed to? It's wierd. Why can't I? I have some wierd interests. Well to some poeple they may seem normal but to the majority of the world...FREAK!!

And let's make it even better. My good friend Sherri is no longer going to school with me. She has decided to go to the D-home. It's terrible. That fact makes me wanna cry. I'm gonna miss her. She's one of the only friends that I have that I can be me. I'm a wierd crazy person that does some crazy ass shit!! And hardly that many people know that. And she's the only one that sees that. She's the laid back one, whereas, I'm going crazy. And it's usually the other way 'round when it comes with my friends. I hate this reality that I'm living in today. I usually just go with the flow but I can't anymore! I fucking hate it!!!!!!! I can't figure what's up and what's down.

And my daily routine.... How can anything be more pointless. I know that it's my fault but it's not like I can do anything. I don't have a car to just jump in and go wherever I please. I have to ask. And if it's no. It's no. I want to do something with and in my life but what is there? All I do is paint.

Closing out, I'm tired of it all. I would expand more and then you would know what this is all about. But I'd rather not and just keep it semi-simple.

P.S. Am I a slut??



-I'm out.

No right.

I just can't understand. It's like a repetitious saying that always comes from me. Don't you just hate it when you can't decide for yourself? Like every decision you make is the wrong one? That's the worst thing ever. It really isn't bad or wrong. It's just that at the time being it's going bad. But in the long run it's the best decision that could possibly be made. Sorry. It was just something that came into mind...anyways...that's not why I'm writing.

I here because of a certain guy. It's no one significant in my life. No one I care for or anything. In fact, he has lost all of my trust and respect. It's actually two guys...But no names will be given. I hate to be talking crap about guys especially when they're the best! But this just pisses me the fuck off. I can't stand it. So first there's the whole variable of trust when it comes to guys. I mean I trust them but is it so hard for a guy to trust the girl. I guess so. I mean...I'm one to talk. But with certain people?? I don't think so. It's ridiculous. I can't stand it. Ugh! I mean. You just don't go off and go into your ex-girl friend's e-mail and read every single message. Especially when you know that she's a good person! Honestly!! What the fuck is wrong with you?! She has other guy friends. Friends say they love each other. I say it to a lot of my friends. But I don't mean it anymore than a friend. And besides...why would you go through her e-mail after you two have broken up. And when you tell her about this you don't give her a fucking kiss on the cheek and break the fucking news on her. Yes, girls can be heartless. But not this one, she's a caring human being. Unlike me, I'm the one that should be told stuff like this...not her. She doesn't deserve it. Back to where I was... So if you break up aren't you supposed to let her go...especially if you really love her. I know it's harder than fuck but you know what....I've done it and it hurt SO bad. But things always turn out for the best. I let him go and now we are better friends. Breaking up is supposed to mean you and her moving on. Seeing other people, evaluate where you two both stood. You can't be so sure if it was love or not. Move on and see where it takes you. Don't go through her e-mails to see if she's with anybody else now... That's called stalking!!!!! HELLO!! Are you really that fucking stupid?! And if you were doing this when you two were a couple aren't you supposed to give each other trust and have "faith" in them?? And not spy in on their life and see what they're doing every ounce of their life?? What wrong with you?! And don't go running to someone you hate to tell your little problems to just so you can get the whole world to hate them. Just don't. There are no excuses for it. None whatsoever!! And the "friend"...why would you get involved?? You were the best-friend!! And hated this person who just came pouring out his itty bitty problems!! What ever happened to true friendship?? And love?!

Peace♥

I don't know. Maybe I'm just imagining it. I don't feel wanted. I can't find a reason for me to be thinking such things, but the thought is lingering in my head. Maybe I'm not wanted. Maybe it's just me being stupid. I have a short supply of friends but they like me. Right? I hope so. I know it seems like I am asking the whole world questions that can't be answered. Only me and my "friends" can answer these questions. Unless of you're a shrink or something like that. But that's beside the point. I am not here to impress you with my words. Hmm...it seems like I'm complaining doesn't it. I guess I am but it's hard not to do so. I just feel unwanted by my friends and everybody else in the world. I don' t know. I'll get back to you on this topic...

So...greetings...I'm Felicia. Ryan. Bartley.
Ok. So now you know my full name. Well the majority of it.
Right now I'm not doing so good but I'll get through it.
I don't like to make people feel bad about themselves or anything...at all. I absolutely hate it. And when I do do that I feel like the most horrible person on the face of the earth.
I'm sorry if I've ever done that to you. I plead for your forgiveness.
I guess I'm giving you my background in this rather than on my "Profile" or "Myspace." I just find it easier to tell you in this little handy-dandy post. But yeah.

...Back to the orignial topic...
Lately I've been blaming myself for everything going wrong in my life or somebody else's life that I care about. I guess I feel as if I don't deserve any friends at all. And I don't. I have a tendency to hurt everyone I care about. I try not to...but I'm that stupid. I just have to. I don't like seeing people miserable but I make them that way anway. It's retarded. All the guys I know hate me (more than likely), I don't blame them. But some of them are just plain out stupid. I don't mean to be mean about it but it's true. I try to be nice to everyone. And they get the wrong idea. They either think I'm a whore, I like/love them, or I must be cheating on them. Basically, they more than likely think I'm a whore. Sorry that I like being with guys rather than girls. Guys can fight over some stupid shit but girls are worse. Guys don't start "drama" with every little thing there is. On the long run. Girls just suck. That's all there is to it. They blow. (Literally and metaphorically.) There's a small percent of girls that aren't like the rest. The ones that don't bring a whole bunch od "drama" into one's life. I know that I'm not one of them. All the people in the world come to just one person to drop all the drama on. That is me. In a way. I'm always stuck with every else's problems. Don't get me wrong. I like helping people. Just don't overload me with it. It'll drive me mad! I'm not the one to give advice. I just mainly listen to what's going on. And if I think it's real bad I'll say something. But if I think you can handle it on your own then I just stay quiet. You should be able to solve things on your own. Here I am. Complaining..."yes" but I figure things out on my own. I don't take advice on problems that often. I know the person means well but I just want to try it my way, and if it doesn't work I try it your way. But my way works for me 98% of the time. All my friends say they don't like giving advice because the always give the "wrong" advice. Well you're not giving the wrong advice. It's something that you would do. Your not deliveratly telling the person what to do. You're giving them advice, and it's their choice if they want to apply it to themselves. It's not your fault if it didn't go well for the person. It's theirs. They decided to talke it for themselves. Anyway, if you used that then you would have made it works because you knew exactly what you were talking about. I guess what I'm trying to day is don't feel bad for something that isn't your fault.

I got off topic. But it's ok. When I fugure out my own things I'll post it.
Thanks for reading.

-Peace and love.